The Dichotomy of Urine

I got pee'd on today. After 2.5 years of dodging my son's urine, he finally got me in mid diaper change. For those of you who have not been pee'd on, trust me, it sucks. 2.5 years old, and he's peeing on me? Not 2 hours after I took him to swim lessons and got him ice cream before dinner. Kiss your college fund goodbye, smartass.

Of course, in a fit of mild upsetedness, we immediately made him sit on the little potty. "No more" he claimed. Of course "no more" - you just pee'd all over me, so how can there be more? Guess what. There was more, a lot more, and since he happened to be sitting on the potty... I thought my cell phone was going off, but it turns out that the potty is musical. You pee in it, and it sings a tune for you. Thank you, Microsoft. Anyway, the kid who 10 seconds ago pee'd on his father is all of the sudden a hero. Clapping, cheering, wild praise, and a treat (1 Skittle) for the little genius.

Life can turn on a dime.

The Future of Mankind...

If you are like me, you spend a lot of your time worrying about the fate of the human species. How can it (we) survive? Global Warming, The Energy Crisis, Electoral fraud in Zimbabwe - these are obviously signs of the beginning of the END. I won't lie - I too have become pretty discouraged recently...until I discovered the cure for the common decline of civilization. Water parks. We must start building them now, so that mankind's (or at least America's) future is secure.

Over the past six weeks I have done extensive research on these man made phenomena. I am happy to report to you that based on this work, I can unequivocally state that a water park is the best place on Earth. I can't prove it, but I bet heaven is a giant water park.

Think about it. As the Earth bakes to a golden brown in the universal oven of Global Warming, we can stay cool in the water park, sitting in the wave pool, drinking our frozen lemonade. Second, there are no cars in the waterpark. Say goodbye to dependence on foreign oil, and oh, by the way, no more carbon emissions. If we stay in the water parks long enough, the ozone layer will have a chance to repair itself. (See the movie Highlander 2 for proof.) Last, but not least, both crime and depression will disappear. Have you ever seen anyone unhappy at a waterpark? I thought not.

I realize that this idea may take some getting used to, but trust me, it will work. Over the past few weeks I have spent much of my free time at a water park, and I've never felt better. (I've also never looked better, since the life vests there make me look ripped!)

Forget bubble cities in the oceans, or colonies in outer space. Salvation for our species can be found right here on land. Start stockpiling floaties now.

-Col. Potter

THE Question of Our Time...

Hello All. Rather than go into some long-winded explanation of why I suddenly decided to share my thoughts with the world , let us dive right in and begin to tackle some of Life's greatest questions.

In fact, let's start BIG, with what I consider to be THE most important question of our time - or at least the most important question on my mind right now...

or

That's right - Cake or Pie?

Now, at this point, your garden variety philosopher would likely note that with such a question, there is no right or wrong. Personal preference = opinion = everyone is right. Wrong. In fact, that sounds a little like Communism. And in case you've forgotten, we won the Cold War. Communism is dead. So, as the victor in the war against Communism, I present to you the answer to this age-old question of "What goes best w/ a cup of coffee after dinner?"...

That's right, Cake is better than Pie. See how easy this is? Thanks to me, you no longer have to waste your precious brainpower on this issue anymore. If given the choice between cake or pie, go with the cake.

Let's be clear about this. I am not saying that you shouldn't eat pie anymore. That's just crazy. Pie is awesome. I had a homemade cherry pie the other day that made me cry, it was so good. (Note - the baker individually pitted fresh cherries for this pie. What have you done lately?) All things being equal, however, Cake beats Pie.

Why Cake? Why not Pie? The answer, as always, is easily discerned when we reduce the issue to its most basic element. In this case...frosting. Frosting is delicious. Cake has it. Pie doesn't. Ergo, Cake is better than Pie. It's just basic science, really.

So the next time you are faced with a cup of coffee begging for a dessert complement, go with the cake. Unless, of course, you are in the mood for pie.