If you are like me, you spend a lot of your time worrying about the fate of the human species. How can it (we) survive? Global Warming, The Energy Crisis, Electoral fraud in Zimbabwe - these are obviously signs of the beginning of the END. I won't lie - I too have become pretty discouraged recently...until I discovered the cure for the common decline of civilization. Water parks. We must start building them now, so that mankind's (or at least America's) future is secure.
Over the past six weeks I have done extensive research on these man made phenomena. I am happy to report to you that based on this work, I can unequivocally state that a water park is the best place on Earth. I can't prove it, but I bet heaven is a giant water park.
Think about it. As the Earth bakes to a golden brown in the universal oven of Global Warming, we can stay cool in the water park, sitting in the wave pool, drinking our frozen lemonade. Second, there are no cars in the waterpark. Say goodbye to dependence on foreign oil, and oh, by the way, no more carbon emissions. If we stay in the water parks long enough, the ozone layer will have a chance to repair itself. (See the movie Highlander 2 for proof.) Last, but not least, both crime and depression will disappear. Have you ever seen anyone unhappy at a waterpark? I thought not.
I realize that this idea may take some getting used to, but trust me, it will work. Over the past few weeks I have spent much of my free time at a water park, and I've never felt better. (I've also never looked better, since the life vests there make me look ripped!)
Forget bubble cities in the oceans, or colonies in outer space. Salvation for our species can be found right here on land. Start stockpiling floaties now.
-Col. Potter
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2 comments:
I can't say i find almighty salvation in a waterpark as the most appealing concept, but accepting that notion for the moment, can you at least make sure that they serve pizza for lunch. And some ice cream for dessert would be nice too (You may have to wear two life vests to still look ripped after downing a whole pie, but at least you can float in the water content and happy with a full belly). Notice how well my earlier comment (see ice cream vs. cake/pie) transitions to this blog also....just goes to show you ice cream is universal.
Here's to the day when everyone is eating anchovies (including at the waterpark)
Regards
Anchovies on the Quarterdeck
You're an idiot. The only true source of reliable energy and happiness in this world is oil. Pure, delicious, nourishing oil. I can't even begin to count the untold number of deaths which have been caused by water, be it in tsunami or iceberg form. Your sad devotion to these aquatic throwbacks which, I might add, are made up primarily of toddler urine at this point, only underlines the poor state of our public school system. I weep for you as I do for our future.
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